A Soliloquy of Unsolicited Solicitation

To Whomever,

Please look at my work not because I am looking for work but rather my Unemployment Officer, Ms. Rose, requires me to contact at least two potential employers every week in order to keep receiving my unemployment check. Heck, you can probably stop reading here if you want because my job is done. I've contacted a potential employer: You.

Little does Ms. Rose realize how difficult it would be to get at job at [insert corporation here]. Even less does Ms. Rose understand how much I don't want to ruin a good thing by getting a job offer and risk forfeiting my unemployment benefits. Anyway, here's what I have to deal with:

Eligibility Requirements

All claimants must (a) register for work with the Employment Security Commission; (b) file a claim for each calendar week of benefits they request; and (c) actively seek work during any week for which unemployment benefits are claimed. Actively seeking work means doing those things that an unemployed person who wants to work would normally do. A claimant must seek work on two different days with at least two different employers and must keep a written record of all work-search contacts for periodic review by Commission staff. Claimants who are enrolled in Approved Commission Training may be exempted from these work-search requirements. Much to my chagrin, I am not exempted from these requirements. I had considered enrolling in Approved Commission Training but nixed that after I found the only job path offered involved having to wear protective eyewear and once I saw the protective eyewear, I couldn't keep a straight face.

If anyone is still reading, allow me to proffer a few tips on how to obtain Unemployment Benefits.

First, one must admit there is no shame being on the dole. I am proud to earn more money in one week doing nothing than most people earn in a week doing something.

Second, you must insist that the agency getting rid of you use the phrase "laid off" and not "fired." If you are fired, you are not eligible to collect unemployment. I learned this the hard way. I also learned that if you just quit, you are not eligible, either. Thankfully, my Protestant work ethic would never allow me to quit. I worked extra hard to ensure that I made it into the first round of layoffs.

Third, if you are unfortunate enough to have to take a job, negotiate as much vacation time as you can. This way, when you get laid off, you will not have to bother matriculating at the Unemployment Office until your PTO has been paid. The same holds true for severance. If possible, try to get as much severance as you can so you can take a trip or just sleep a lot. You see, you are not allowed to file for your Unemployment Benefits until all PTO and severance has been paid to you. You may be asking yourself, then again you may not—it depends on how interested you are in this sort of thing—how I know so much about obtaining Unemployment Benefits. Well, having been "fired!" once, "laid off" twice, and "quit" more than a few times (okay, so my Protestant work ethic is not working), I've learned to navigate the nuances of our excellent Unemployment System. I've sat in dumpy, paneled Unemployment Offices throughout the United States. I've listened impatiently to Career Counselors counsel my careening career. I've completed piles of paperwork only to be called back in to dot an i. I've discovered that consulting does not affect your eligibility to obtain Unemployment Benefits, it simply prolongs them. (See Employment Security Commission, Section IV, on Ineligible Amount: Add the claimant's earning allowance to the claimant's weekly benefit amount. If, in a given week, the earnings reported by the claimant equal or exceed the ineligible amount, then the claimant cannot receive any unemployment benefits for that week.)

Perhaps, above all else, I've learned to wear the system down before it wears me down. Indeed, the system is getting friendlier. You can now file for your Unemployment Benefits online.

Thanking you in advance, because I doubt seriously that I will be in touch—the ESC does not require a follow up—for your assistance and support regarding my Unemployment Benefits.


God Bless America and me,

Unconcerned Citizen, Claimant

P.S. Should Ms. Rose call, please tell her if her name was Mary, she would not be a Rose.